I think I can, I think I can, I think I can....

Yesterday I tried my best to make progress on the  things I was having a hard time making progress on. I made an appointment to get my cats fixed at the end of the month. It will be right after my next payday, which will be for a full two weeks instead of one week like this paycheck that will be on friday. I turned in income verification to DHS yesterday for the childcare program hoping that this will speed up the process. I also went to my landlord with the income verification today. The kittens will hopefully all have a new home by Sunday as I am going to be able to post my pictures on Craigslist tonite after I purchase my sd card for my phone (I dropped my phone a few weeks ago and didnt notice that the sd card had popped out when it happened. I went back to the spot the next morning where I dropped it and it was gone. ) The added perk to purchasing my sd card is that I am going to have 4x the room on it that I did on my previous one. What does this mean ladies and gentlemen??? MORE APPS! :) I cant help it. Im an app addict. When I first got my smart phone I stayed up until 7am the next morning just looking at all the apps that my phone could do. My favorites include the craigslist app, the period tracker, the Kindle app, and my weather app. I love all the GO apps as well. Makes my phone look more lively. Anywho-back to my original point with the kittens. I have the added advantage that they are manx mixed and everyone seems to like cats that are more exotic. Plus, my kittens have been around adult cats and small children so they should adapt well to many different homes. I feel alot better knowing that I have done all that I can to get things on the right track. As life goes though, I have more hoops of fire to jump through coming up. Mainly an inspection at the end of the month. I always fret about inspection even if everything is perfectly ok. This time however, I am going to need to get my landlord a note from my doctor stating that I should be allowed to have my cats because it will help my behavioral well being. I know that sounds psychotic, but in the state of Tennessee this is a very common thing  as we have a law here that states that you can not ever evict someone for having a pet if they have a doctors note. Almost everyone in my complex has gotten one of these notes (they are easy to get from just about any doctor) so its not really as psychotic as it seems. So, I have to have that note but the problem really doesnt lie there as so much that I have TWO cats and Im only allowed to have one. I will be at work all day long so I have no choice but to leave the other cat outside. THAT still isnt the hardest part. The hardest part is that on the 31st they are going to be getting fixed and he will have to be indoors for a few weeks afterwards so that he can recover. I plan on seeing if my friend can keep him in her laundry room garage that week until inspections are over . I think she will do it but I hate to ask. On top of all of that, they are coming next monday or tuesday to check our fire extingushers so I have to DEFINITELY make sure all the kittens are gone this weekend and figure out what to do about my cats as I wont have the note by then (unless I can get it this week.) Sometimes I wish I could just S-L-O-W things down a notch. I feel like I am being swept down a rapid current river and im getting closer and closer to the waterfall thats up ahead. I have to wonder if this is what life is normally like or if I am just high maintence....

Either way, I just keep chugging up the hill like the Little Engine That Could and look forward to the coasting down the hill on the other side. Thats all anyone can do really. Follow your heart and take it one step at a time.

Aretha said it best "R-E-S-P-E-C-T"

Ive been told I make mountains out of mole hills and mountains out of mountains. What Im trying to say here is I apparently cant distinguish between the big issues and the small. However, I feel when it comes to how I am treated by others I deserve the quality of care and respect I give to them. Many a times have I been burned by being taken advantage of because of the mere fact that I do care and want to help others, especially my friends, as much as I can. Whether it be time or money, I try and give as much as possible all the same. What brought this post on, you may ask? Well, a friend of mine watched my children for about an hour and a half two times so I could go do interviews for my current place of employment. In return I told her I would watch her children when she needed it. She asked if I could watch them on a Saturday night as she was going to be taken out by her boyfriend. I told her that would be fine as our children could play together and have fun. As it turned out, I did not have my children that night. So, I asked to watch her children at her house so they could play with their own toys and sleep in their own bed. She said she was not comfortable having people in her house when she wasnt there. Now, just setting the background for this-she has an 18 year old room-mate that lives with her and has friends coming and going all the time. SO, I didnt understand why she was not comfortable with me staying over there. So, she brought her kids over to my house without calling or anything and I had no idea as to what time this was all going to take place. I happened to be in the middle of an important conversation (or like argument) with my childrens father when she showed up. I was unprepared and had my emotions everywhere as the conversation had left me upset. I told her I didnt know she was coming as I hadnt heard anything from her and she decided to get snippy with me about the whole ordeal. So, she leaves and says just forget about it. I get a phone call about an hour later from her boyfriend asking if Im going to watch the kids or not. Now bear in mind that I was raised pretty sheltered and isolated from the real world. I dont do well in social settings at times, especially if my emotions are very tied into the situation. So, I say yes that I will watch her kids. So, they come back over and drop the kids off and then proceed to inform me that they will not be picking up the kids until 11:30 the next morning for church. This is the part where I become speechless. It all of the sudden makes sense as to why she wouldnt be comfortable with me being in her house. She didnt want to come home after her night out and deal with the children the next morning before church. While I would of probably agreed to it if I had known beforehand what she was wanting I felt very disrespected for her lack of thanks or asking if the situation would be ok. I would never have done this to her or anyone for that matter and I certainly would of asked them to stay at my house as a matter of respect and appreciation. So, the next morning comes and she comes to get the kids and is quite huffy about the whole ordeal. I guess I had been pretty obvious about the fact that I was pissed-but yet again did she care when she dropped them off? No. Did she call or text and check on her kids the entire time I had them?No. So, I conclude from this situation that she has no respect for my time or friendship by this. I am one that can not let things slide if it is hurtful to me as far as my dignity or self respect go. Am I making a mountain out of a mole hill? Shouldnt that be up to me to decide?

On the Menu: Fried Nerves

The biggest thing I am battling with at the moment is having a full plate. I have all these half done accomplishments and I cant seem to get anything completed. I have kittens that need homes. I thought I was making progress until one of them came back to me. I dont feel right taking them to the shelter as its overflowing and this problem is a direct result of my lack of responsibility. Another half done thing is childcare for my children. They are supposed to be enrolled at la petite academy with the assistance of the state on the payments. Ive done my part but I cant seem to get them to send over the paperwork to connect with la petite on my payments. I call every day diligently and receive no response. I am paying 90% of what I am making right now just to have people watch my children while I am at work. Another issue is my friend and mom role model is concerned about how quickly I am going thru gas as she is the one fronting the money for it until I get my bills situated. All of these things are causing my independent craving mind to go bonkers. My nerves are fried and I cant seem to have that pep in my step that I had last week when I started my job. I am trying to stay on top of everything but something as got to give. I made the step torwards bettering myself and I feel like all the negative energies in the universe are working against me to see me fail. I keep trying to think of solutions to the problems but I cant seem to come up with anything Im not already doing. Things get tricky when you borrow money from your friends. As much as they say they dont care and are there for you, there is a certain level of strain that is put on the relationship. It all boils down to me wanting to rely on myself and myself only because I feel like no one else can be trusted really. I know that is not exactly healthy but its true. People fail you. We are all human. I love being able to help myself and I am hell bent to not let anything or anyone stand in the way of that. Patience is a virtue I have never learned and is therefore making all this very difficult. Faith and percerverance I have learned though so maybe the two of those things can help me make it through this time without completely drowning. Thats pretty much how I feel. Like Ive been trying to keep afloat and Im loosing my strength and energy to keep floating. So, the big question is-What gives? Why am I at a roadblock? What am I supposed to learn here?

Uh hello 2012

This year has been going at lightening speed. I can barely catch my breath from the sheer G-force. So many things have happened and not happened. John, the man I have been dating for 2 yrs, and I broke up for about 8 months. Then we started talking again and hoped to be able to form a casual relationship. I'm not sure how easy that will be. Its hard with all the emotions and feelings. Plus, during our time apart I met and fell in love with a guy named Jesse. The only problem is he doesn't have his life all together. He shows potential to get it together with some motivation and help-but I don't know how long that will take. In the time since I last wrote I had to stop and start my job. The government assistance program I had for childcare said I made too much income to use it and stopped my assistance. Daycare was costing literally equal what I was making. So I ended up being forced to quit my career job and flounder. It was miserable but I just started back to work and its great....except they are taking forever to get the certificate stating the benefits over to the daycare I have chosen. Trying not to stress but ticked off at the way our government works. Instead of helping the people who want to help themselves, we are giving hand outs to the people who don't care. I, for one, want to be an independent and successful mom. I want to get off government assistance and on my feet. Why do they have to make it so hard?